before i sleep

Picked up my guitar today
Its been a while

Some might say
Ya just gotta 'Live to love'
But the truth is
Let's just live another day

Lost myself some shadows ago
Looking in the darkness...
But really, How far does it go?
When will I find...

Who I am?
Who I ever was?
And who I'll ever be...

Picked up my heart today
It'll be awhile.

...looking back

i loved nothing more than playing in our tree forts, throwing mud balls at each other, tending my garden, listening to my mom read stories... i remember waking up to the smell of home made waffles and walking downstairs to join my mom in the kitchen. i remember laying my stamp collection on my bedroom floor and becoming one with the wall so as to be able to fit every stamp in one photograph. all of us crowding in the bathroom to brush our teeth before bed. i remember waiting up for what seemed like hours for my mom to come tuck me in. finding a dead toad behind my dresser. the big thanksgiving feasts- endless family, friends and food. i remember my dad buying a corsage for sister, my mom and myself every easter to wear with our special dresses. i remember being determined to beat the boys at anything possible... rope or tree climbing, arm wrestling, lego building. i remember playing school with my sister, and playing house with anyone. i liked watching the squirrel that lived in the tree outside my window. i liked chiseling away at my new walking stick every summer. i liked organizing our bookshelf. i had a sticker collection on the front of my dresser. i liked making marble tracks that went around my entire room. i remember dreaming then waking up and creating it into a story. i loved writing and drawing. i liked to show off my rope swinging skills{which i am still very proud of}. i remember the exact moment i conquered my fear of darkness. bringing one of our goats in from the field, through my favorite grove of pine trees in the middle of the night. i remember specific branches that i loved to sit on in the trees or swing on when running through the woods. i remember doing tricks on my bike. i remember boys putting sticks through my bike tire spindles. there were engravings on my army cot bed and old stamps. there is a tree at my old house that was 'my tree', i wonder how tall it is now. i used to pick fresh chives for my mom when she would cook dinner. i remember what my parents bed felt like and how i would be the bolony in our bolony sandwich. i remember playing with pine needles in piles on the ground as if they were sand. i remember the first time{that i can remember} i lied, it was too my dad about a scary halloween mask that i claimed i didn't play with... but i did. there are numerous negative memories that come to my mind as well, that i can not write on here. it's amazing how much we forget.

'used to'

i am currently reading a book called 'let your life speak' by parker palmer. i am at a place in the book where he talks about deciphering the clues from our childhood years{before our true self and life dreams are tainted by the world and that of it} to find out who we truly are, whose we truly are.... and who we truly desire to become. i feel often as though i lost my true self back some time ago... and that now i am a collage of one too many ideas, people, faces, thoughts... i desire to know who i am. who i was created to be and who i want to become. without knowing these, we wander through life confused and wearing faces that are not truly ours. so, clues from our childhood eh? what brought me joy when i was a child, and what made me feel sorrow? what did i excel at and what were my limitations? it already seems so long ago, as does yesterday.

once upon a time...

once upon a time. a long long time ago in a galaxy....
i do not use capital letters unless trying to prove a point. my periods, commas and other dots and wiggles may sometimes be there, and sometimes... no. my spelling is much less than perfect{however, i believe it helps when red squiggles appear}. typos will never cease. i do not like starting sentences with ifs, ands or buts. i may not write too often, but when i do... it will be sincere. question everything i write and test it to be true. i am a person who has questions, ideas, ponderings and knows the basics of how a keyboard works. with this said: i might hope that you find as much enjoyment in my writings as i find in the creation of them.
cheers.